EMAIL : Zombies

So today I was checking all my emails when I received an email from a fan of TSOS. The email went like this...













First of all I'm going to assume that you meant what is my zombie survival plan. I do have one coincidentally and it kicks ass.
My survival plan is the best because no matter what the conditions are or how tough the zombies are it will work. The first step to my plan is to get out some W.M.D.'s I have had for a while...













Next I'm going to kick the shit out of any zombie that challenges me. Now this plan sound unrealistic, because no one would challenge me. Then again zombies are stupid so they may come and get a new asshole torn.

If this plan fails and the only way it could is if my W.M.D.'s were blown off or something crazy like that then I have a backup plan. This backup plan would consist of me constructing a giant T.V. screen and putting it into my yard so the zombies would have to see it to get to me. The movie playing on it would be so horrific the zombies would die instantly by watching it for more than 5 seconds. The movie of course would be....
















The last plan I have if the zombies survive that on account of them being deaf and blind and stupid enough to challenge me is superior fire power. Like so....














After I'm done with the zombies they will be deader than undead.

WHAT DOES MATT HATE ABOUT LUMINA VANS??

This week on Lumina Van complaints I'm going to talk about the shape. As we know Lumina Vans are mini- vans. Like so.....











Yet the shape is annoying because It looks familiar to me. I can't name it yet it may come to me later. Anyways a complaint I have is the front of it. The windshield is HUGE it's like an airplane cockpit. The vans windshield has some practical uses such as.....











OR










The last thing I'm going to talk about is the fact that- OH WAIT now I remember what it reminds me of....







That's it for this week's rendition of WHAT DOES MATT HATE ABOUT LUMINA VANS??

Captions

Have you ever heard of "icanhascheezburger.com" if not then go and look for yourself. It's a site about cats talking with slurs and lisps and poor grammar. Some pictures are funny such as this...












Then there is unfunny picture where people will caption a cat just looking at the camera...












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So there you have it unfunny pictures with crappy grammar. LOLcats is very popular on the internet, but as we all know with the Rick Astley incident it was only a matter of time before people not familiar with the internet got a hold of it. That means something funny turned into something else (not funny)

Another complaint I have is if you have ever read the comments for each picture then you know how stupid the site is...





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It looks like the comments in the image above are written by illiterate shit heads that don't have a life. Oh wait I went a little personal there....













Yeah that's right I don't give a damn if I hurt your feelings. Also have you ever seen those motivational posters that have funny stuff on them instead.














I could do that all I need is a picture of something and say something cheezy and not funny in order for it to work. Here is my own motivational poster.













The last caption problem is the FAIL captions. It's basically a picture of something ironic or something done poorly and a big FAIL stamp on it like so...










It's not terrible but some people will stamp anything like a regular occurring accident at a skate park and will say fail.
All of these are annoying and need to be stopped or tamed before another Rick Astley incident occurs.

Person I Hate This Moment The Most

This article is a every once in a while piece about someone I hate at this exact point.

GORE VERBINSKI

As you may or may not know Gore directed these pieces of work...










That's right "Pirates of The Caribbean". First of all those movies were boring and I suffered as bad as a fan of the Buffalo Bills after losing 4 Superbowls in a row.












So not only did this guy direct THREE of the crappiest movies ever, HE ALSO MADE MONEY FROM IT. This guy is famous and rich because he starred Orlando Bloom, and Johnny Depp.
Another Question, how many times can Orlando Bloom make the same face and call it acting.











My final complaint is that he started a franchise that encourages the production of more shitty movies. We know Hollywood won't let this series die as popular as it is. They will milk it until it dries up.

Lumina Vans

I have been waiting a while to write this article about my favorite vehicle....











The Chevy Lumina Minivan is the best vehicle out there. Am I right? Why do I love this van, well because I can make fun of it in so many ways. I will do this once a week I will call it

WHAT DOES MATT HATE ABOUT LUMINA VANS??

So this weeks topic is what the van is made of. The Lumina Van is made of plastic, that's right, plastic. So let's say after years and years of hard work and dedication from your vehicle it breaks down. Under normal circumstances you would sell it or send it to a junkyard as scrap metal. This van however can not be sent to a junkyard for scrap metal as it's made of plastic.

I know this because my family once had one when I was a child. Now when it broke beyond repair we called the junkyard guy. His policy was "We will take your vehicle no matter what condition it is in". The idea being he tows it and pays you a few bucks and you don't have a car on your lawn. Not in this case, the guy came and then changed his motto to "We will take your metal vehicles".

Cars Shaped Like Cubes

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there a point to making cars as aerodynamic as possible. I have seen so many cars lately in the shape of boxes or pretty close to a box. I know this sounds crazy, but I do have experience with aerodynamics (I made a pine wood derby car in scouts). The car that one the race the most often was the wedge shaped car. The car with the least amount of wind resistance. These days however I see cars like....











What were they thinking when they built these cars. The prototype looked a bit like this...










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So what's next are our sports cars going to bricks on wheels. All I know is the car looks shitty and can be confused with a UPS truck...